*sigh*

18 Jul

There is a bag of scallops on my head. I wish I could say that this was the next installment of “Notebook Posts” and I had discovered some crazy way to obliterate brain fog, but alas, I smacked my head on the thermostat in the refrigerator earlier and didn’t have an ice pack. I originally grabbed a bag of frozen beans and collapsed onto the kitchen floor in tears. (It’s just been THAT kind of day.) Then I decided that if I was going to feel sorry for myself and wince in pain, I might as well defrost dinner in the process…hence the scallops.

I have no idea WHAT my body is doing right now but I’m not enjoying it. A huge part of me thinks that it might be stress-related. I admittedly have not done any yoga for the past 3 days (*gulp*) and really need to get back to doing that because it keeps me quasi-sane. Food is a mess again and I have no idea why, but I am suspecting that perhaps the gut flora is waaaay out of whack at the moment. In my quest for some sort of answer, I stumbled upon Aglaee Jacob’s blog “A Dietician Gone Paleo” and decided to drop her an email. She was absolutely wonderful at answering my questions and offering some feedback as to what I could be trying to take my healing to the next level. I am so grateful that she took the time to chat with me and I’d actually like to keep her on my team since I have had terrible luck with nutritionists locally. One thing that Aglaee recommended is that I get my fat intake waaaay up. This has proven to be more of a mental issue than anything because it’s drilled into our heads from an early age that “FAT = BAD”, but I need to get my calories up because my weight is still dropping and Aunt Flow is on hiatus. These are NOT good things!

I have been strictly adhering to the rotation diet for the most part, but after speaking with Aglaee, I have decided to adopt her SIBO/FODMAP protocol for awhile (while rotating) to see if that helps. The point of this diet is to limit the amount of complex starches and carbs that go in so the body has an easier time breaking things down. I am strongly considered trying an HCl supplement since I feel that my stomach acid levels are non-existent at the moment.

As of now, my fatigue, pain, inflammation, neuro issues, and overall mood are way crappy. I’m trying to keep things as simple as possible right now. Cooking my fruit, cooking veggies, 2-4 TBSP of fat with EVERY meal (this is a challenge for me!), and increasing my protein. I am still on my mito cocktail, zinc, magnesium malate (although I have been cutting that in half), l-glutamine, and 2 TBSP ground flax seed daily along with a probiotic (60 billion). I am suspecting that the probiotic has worn its welcome and is no longer helping and I also think that the flax seed might be doing more harm than good since it definitely doesn’t seem to be benefiting me at all. Oh yeah, and I forgot about the castor oil packs. My PCP tried to cough over a laugh when I told him I was going to do those. I worked up to an hour a day and I don’t know that it’s helping anything, but it’s definitely not hurting me so I’ll keep at it for awhile longer.
A few of my friends (and my therapist *sigh*) have pointed out that I may be making way too many changes in too short of a time. When I stop and I think, I really have juggled a lot of things around recently and perhaps I need to settle into things for awhile before over-zealously jumping on to the next thing. I think I might take out the flax since I do feel that is bothering me, but keep all else the same for now with the possible addition of the HCl supplements. (Did anyone else pick up on the fact that I just committed to no more changes and then talked about more changes I’d be making?? I swear there has to be a support group for people like me somewhere…) I see Dr. Guru for a follow up next week and I wish it were sooner. I am feeling so overwhelmed and discouraged with this set back. It makes me feel like I will simply never get to the bottom of this. There are just too many paths to explore and too much research to digest, and not to mention the extraordinary cost of supplements that holistic practitioners tell you you *need* in order to heal. I need to work on my digestion and gut because if I don’t, anything I take will just be flushed down the toilet (haha, I made a joke and didn’t realize it!).

For now, I have been listening to this song on repeat because it’s fun, I enjoy it, and it is totally where I’m at right now:

Listen HERE.

Yellow
Written by: Charlotte Kendrick
I wrote no more judgment, no guilt, no fear
And then folded them up in a note
Threw it on the fire on the eve of New Years
And said goodbye to the rising smoke

I wrote that note with the simple hope
That by putting it all out there
I could let go of the voice that says ‘no’
There’s no way you will ever compare

Take a minute, take an easy step back
There’s no secret password, no code to crack
It’s not a race or a contest, but if you’re still keeping score
You will always have less, they will always have more

We all can get caught up in our half empty cups
In all the little things that seem to go wrong
Your dog pees on the oriental, you can’t rent your rental
And it’s been three months since you wrote a song

Soon it’s all about you, all the errands to do
All your flaws you wish that you could improve
Like the way you wear makeup, the mood you’re in when you wake up
How when you’re nervous, you never keep your cool

Take a minute, take an easy step back
Look at all that you have and the time that you lack
It’s not a race or a contest, but if you’re still keeping score
You will always have less, they will always have more

Your eyes are all red, you’ve got the blues in your head
You look around but can’t find your halo
So you stay up too late watching TV you hate
And fall asleep on the couch wrapped in yellow

Take a minute, take an easy step back
There’s no secret password, no code to crack
It’s not a race or a contest, but if you’re still keeping score
You will always have less, they will always have more

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